Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
