There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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