If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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