apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
