I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize