it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
