Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
