I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
