ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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