Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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