Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
