Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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