Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize