hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
