take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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