Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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