You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
