fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
