My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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