We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize