The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
