Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize