They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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