i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
