I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
