You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
