You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
