1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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