i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
