he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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