Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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