you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
