you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
