So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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