whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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