I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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