I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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