i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
