Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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