and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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