I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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