I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
