Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
