I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize