oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
