Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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