I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
zippers are such a cool invention
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize