i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
