Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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