My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
