I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
