atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
