when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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