theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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