your parents love me but you hate me
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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