my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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