Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
