Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
