Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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